Couch Repairs Have Nearly Tripled in Volume Since JD Vance's rellocation to D.C

When JD moved into a quiet town in DC in January, locals expected traffic jams, maybe a spike in latte sales—not a full-blown upholstery emergency.

Yet Rest Assured Repairs, the town’s modest couch repair shop, has been swamped with torn cushions, shredded armrests, and suspiciously frayed chaise lounges.

“Business has tripled,” owner Linda Farrow said, threading a needle for the third leather sofa of the morning. “It’s like every couch in town decided to self-destruct.”

Locals have their theories. Some blame the flocks of paparazzi camping out on porches, others suspect that Mason’s new puppy, a hyperactive Great Dane named Biscuit, has been making uninvited house calls.

Whatever the cause, Washington DC's once-sleepy repair shop now runs on triple shifts, and Linda’s considering hiring a second cat to keep the workshop’s mice—both real and metaphorical—under control.

“Celebrities bring glamour,” she said, “but I never thought they’d bring this much upholstery carnage.”