RFK Jr. Unveils New Department of Health Initiative: W.O.R.M

Washington, D.C. — In a press conference that left journalists both confused and oddly entertained, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced the launch of a new federal program: W.O.R.M. — Wellness Oversight & Remediation Mission.

“America’s health care system has been crawling for too long,” RFK Jr. declared while dramatically holding up a plush earthworm toy as a mascot. “Now, with W.O.R.M., we’ll finally dig deep and get to the root of our health issues… literally.”

The initiative, according to Kennedy, will “burrow into inefficiencies” in public health programs, wiggle past bureaucratic obstacles, and “aerate the soil of wellness” for all Americans. The agency’s official motto, “We Wiggle for Wellness,” was revealed on a giant poster featuring a cartoon worm flexing its nonexistent muscles.

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A New Approach to Public Health

Sources inside the Department of Health say W.O.R.M. will focus on “nutritional enrichment, mental health composting, and digging tunnels between underserved communities.” Critics argue the plan sounds more like a gardening club than a national health initiative, but Kennedy reassured the public that, “If worms can regenerate themselves, so can our healthcare system.”

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Symbolism Over Substance?

The rollout included a ceremonial “First Wiggle,” where Kennedy and several senators crawled on their hands and knees across the stage to symbolize “government empathy.” The event was followed by a catered lunch of gummy worms and kale chips.

“Some may laugh at this,” Kennedy said, “but worms are nature’s recyclers. And right now, our policies could use a good recycling.”

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Public Reception

Social media lit up within minutes of the announcement, with hashtags like #WiggleForWellness and #SecretaryOfSquirm trending nationwide. Some praised the bold branding, while others questioned if taxpayer dollars were truly meant to fund “a giant worm plushie army.”

Despite skepticism, Kennedy insists W.O.R.M. will be the Department of Health’s “greatest and squirmiest accomplishment yet.”